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My shoes are not like yours.

Walk a mile in someone else's shoes. Everyone always uses this tired cliche. It is impossible to walk a mile in my shoes. I wouldn't want you to anyway. Understanding what has happened and how it effects my life is what I want.


Unless you have been in a physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive relationship, you for sure won't fully understand. But my goal is to put this out on display and maybe provide incite. I spent almost 18 years being punched, kicked and thrown around my the person who claimed to be my father. I wasn't able to escape at 18 though. The emotional and mental abuse continued. I was 38 when I finally stood up to him. I finally spoke up and said no more.


I am not property. I am a human being. For 38 years I was told I wasn't good enough. That I wouldn't amount to anything. That I was a failure. All while being a successful IT Engineer. All while raising a family of my own. I just didn't see.


When you see or hear of me breaking down or being triggered. It's not easy to just move on. My brain is wired to shut down when someone yells at me. I go into fight or flight at aggression. Moving on and getting over it as people suggest, isn't just the snap of a finger. The longer you spend in these situations the harder it is. I get highly defensive when someone treats me as a child or speaks to me like one. Even if it's only perceived and not intended. I have panic attacks over stupid things and I know it.


All of these things take time. Just knowing that they happen doesn't mean I can always control them. It's like learning to walk or ride a bike. It takes time to 1. recognize when these things happen and 2. shut them down when they do.


Maybe one day humans will understand we are all vastly different while being so much the same.

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